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Quotes by Hicks:
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went
to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm
alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks
over to me: "<chew, chew, chew> Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"
Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard?
Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well,
godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno...
I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I
don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
******
The Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic
merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition,
essentially. No artistic merit... causes sexual thoughts. Hmm...
Sounds like every commercial on television, doesn't it? You
know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial?
I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe
that's the connection they're trying to make.
******
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing.
What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's
priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
******
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You
think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking
cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle
pendant.
******
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people
actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear
to God. Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em
up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd
gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's
12,000 years old?
"That's right."
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
"Uh-huh."
Dinosaurs?
You know if the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed,
they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been
mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
******
I think it's interesting the two drugs that
are legal - alcohol and cigarettes, two drugs that do absolutely
nothing for you at all - are legal, and the drugs that might
open your mind up to realise how you're being fucked every day
of your life? Those drugs are against the law. Coincidence? See,
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, cos I took 'em one time,
you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass
for four hours, going, 'My God, I love everything.' Yeah, now if
that isn't a hazard to our countries...How are we gonna justify
arms dealing if we know we're all one?
******
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh
compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks
smashing into Catholic churches?
******
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his
three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action
folks! You know he's got God on his side.
******
People often ask me where I stand
politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic
policy or his foreign policy, it's that I just believe...he is
a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.
******
The world is like a ride at an amusement
park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real
because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up
and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and
it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun,
for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time,
and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a
ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to
us. They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because,
this is just a ride.' And we...kill those people. Ha ha ha.
'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP!
Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and
family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we
always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever
notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter
because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want.
It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and
money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of
fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close
yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a
better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and
defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and
educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over,
not one human being excluded, and we could explore space,
together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace.
******
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of
hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
******
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out
against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
******
Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums
backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New
Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean
cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that!
When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your
children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking
ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit!
I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!
******
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then
go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your
CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant
music and enhanced your lives where RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL
fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let
Ringo sing a few songs.
******
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our
planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem
to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature.
How do you make nature against the fucking law?
******
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you
unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you
normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth
the fucking effort. There is a difference.
******
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look
really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close
together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe
God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
******
I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I
do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our
government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so
long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's
interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on
in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a
long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago,
just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to
me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
******
I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a
very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it
is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never
murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never
beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids,
laughed my ass off, and went about my day.
******
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that
questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is
the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a
belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only
way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern
Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a
field, and just go, "Show me."
******
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so
that's how it comes out.
******
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it
is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...."
End of argument.
******
We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not
being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might
not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe
in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all
ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going
on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many
children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that
mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking
love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then
fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut
the fuck up.
******
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I
don't know one child with a full time job and children.
******
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing,
kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm
just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I
don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves.
Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no
rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little
helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of
all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's
gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you
are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you
are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the
only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill
yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.
"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous
indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are
feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's
doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags,
quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this
planet!
******
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your
third eye.
******
People say "Iraq has the fourth largest army in the world".
Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest
armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas
are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got
all our airports.
******
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love
you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on
nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars,
correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that
money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would
pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we
can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in
peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you
enjoyed it.
******
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to
you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go
up to cripples and dance too?
******
You know what I hate about working? Bosses.
That's what I fucking hate...
'Hicks, how come you're not working.'
I'd go, 'There's nothing to do.'
'Well, you pretend like you're working.'
'Well, why don't you pretend I'm working?
Yeah, you get paid more than me, you fantasise. Pretend I'm
mopping. Knock yourself out. I'll pretend they're buying stuff;
we can close up. I'm the boss now, you're fired. How's that?'
I don't know if I have the right attitude
for the workplace.
******
I generally love my job. You know what the
great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a
definite lifestyle plus isn't it?.. Aren't bosses
something?.....They're like gnats at a picnic man....Get the
fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I
smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed...My bed was
like a womb...
******
ON NON-SMOKERS:
Obnoxious , self-righteous, whining little
fucks. My biggest fear is that if I quit smoking, I'll become
one of you...Don't take that wrong. I have something to tell
you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know,
and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times.
Ready?
NON-SMOKERS DIE EVERY DAY... Enjoy
your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life
fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the
first to POP that bubble and bring you hurtling back to
reality....You're dead too.
******
ON PATRIOTISM:
Did you watch the flag burning thing?
Wasn't that great man? Boy everybody showed their true colours
then didn't they?....Scary... People just flipped, they reacted
like The Supreme Court approved of flag burning, know what I
mean?
" Does that mean we have to burn our
flags?.. They said that we ha-"... NO NO NO NO NO NO, they didn't
say that. They said that if someone wanted to burn a flag, he
perhaps doesn't need to go to jail for a year...Pretty harsh on their part huh?
"They said we should bur-".... They didn't
say that, they didn't say that, they didn't say that
"Does that mean I have to go and -"....NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO... Listen, read , think, calm down, relax, SHUT
THE FUCK UP
"Well I don't get it..I don't wanna burn my
flag"....THEN DOOOOOOOOOOON'T.
People snapped, they were like "Hey buddy,
my dad died for that flag"
"Really?...I bought mine...They sell 'em in
K-Mart..."
"yeah..He died in Korea for that flag"
"Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in
Korea... the world is THAT big man..."
No-one, and I repeat NO-ONE has ever died
for a flag. A flag is a piece of cloth, they might have died for
freedom, which, by the way, is the freedom to....Burn the..
fucking flag you see??..Burning the flag doesn't make freedom go
away, it's kinda like Free-dom ok?..ok.
And they've had 4 cases in this country's
200 year history, so it's not that big an issue. One of the hotter
smokescreens they've put down the pipe. I don't wanna burn a
flag, but what business is it of mine if you do?
Is it my business if someone wants to..Is
it?...NO
Is it my business what other people read or
watch on TV? NO IT'S NOT...THANK YOU
You see, when we talk these things through,
it becomes a little clearer doesn't it? That's called logic and
it'll help us all evolve and get on the fucking spaceships and
get outta here.
******
My final point about alcohol, about drugs,
about pornography...What business is it of your's what I do,
read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm
another human being whilst on this planet?
And for those of you having a little moral
dilemma on how to answer this, I'll answer for you:
NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
For further light
hearted fun from Bill try out the links below:
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productions
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BillHicks.com
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